Mom lost two coins

Yep, the boys called me on it...I lost two coins today. I guess that a really angry/scary face means I am yelling...at least they think so. I got upset today, getting the kids in the van, and asked them all to sit down now...with a very angry face. Zach piped up and said, "Mom, you lose a coin for yelling"..then...I shouted, "I was not yelling". Opps. They got me! HAHAHAHA! I can laugh now, because they took two coins, and I am learning fast how to keep my cool in front of them. I was on such a good streak..oh well..all I can do is try harder tomorrow, right? No one is perfect..but it doesn't mean we can't try hard to be close.

Yell Less: The Orange Rhino Challenge

A good friend told me about this site: The Orange Rhino
If you have a problem yelling (and losing your cool with your kids), and want to join others on a journey to stop yelling so much, check it out. You might just read something that will help you with your family.

The Important thing about Yelling

Thanks to my husband, who has seen my progress, showed appreciation for my courage to change, and for sending me this link to read while I keep trying....

http://www.handsfreemama.com/2013/05/22/the-important-thing-about-yelling/


I love this woman's idea to go Hands Free, and to live more simply. It rings so very true inside me.

Anger...the prequel..the first journal entry

I admit that I am a much more angry person than I want to be. Mostly, with my husband and kids, when I am stressed out, hungry, tired, or just plain moody. I was not raised in an angry environment, and see no reason why I should behave this way. It is not fair to the people in my family, who I love more than anyone else. They always get the worst bits of me. For a long time, I chalked it up to all the excuses above, and played the blame game on my family for making me feel angry and mad, and out of control. I have talked to many other moms out there, and always get the same feedback...they are angry too. Most parents have moments where we say things we wish we hadn't, or lost our cool with our kids. When the kids write on the wall, or leave their jacket at school, or forget to put away their shoes, it is easy to respond in anger. Being a parent is a tough job, and even the best of us have our bad days. So, then I thought I must be normal, and we all feel like this as parents from time to time. Do I deserve a break, a girls night out, a free shopping day, a new hair style...or does it run deeper than that? Maybe I need to change. 
Really change. 
Now, don't get me wrong. I have never let my anger take over to the point where I have abused my kids, hurt them, or caused that a social worker should visit my home. I just asked myself, "Why should my family have to live this life with a woman who cannot control her temper...and who says and does things to make others around her miserable, because she feels miserable?"
They don't. 
I am taking a new road today. I am going to make the change. I am going to see a counsellor. Yes, a counsellor...a professional who may be able to help me find the solutions I am looking for. I have no idea what to expect, and I am very nervous, but I have the support of my husband, and I feel that it is the right thing for me to do. I want my family to be happy...all of us...and I know this can bring us more peace through the tough times.
I look ahead to when my three boys are teenagers, and I don't want them to be afraid to tell me about things they have done, or problems they have, because I react in an angry way. I want them to feel safe with me, and to know that I love them no matter what.

Let me be very clear that this is not a new problem. It is something that Scott and I have talked about often during the years of raising our kids. I feel that I have tried everything: calming down, giving myself a time out, singing a song, saying a prayer, going to a Mom's group, talking with a friend, and getting exercise. Those things all work for the short term, and the anger disappears, but it comes back. That is the problem I want to solve. I don't want to react with anger at all.

I want to become, like is says in the scriptures...

Proverbs 16:32 - He that is slow to anger is better than the  mighty, and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city.
Moroni 7:45 - And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth...

If I can learn to be not easily provoked, and slow to anger, I feel that our home could be a much happier place all the time. Let's see if counselling can help!

Bedtime Meltdown

Tonight, my 6 year old came out of the shower and demanded that I help him dry off and get dressed. I said he could do it himself, and he proceeded to shout, cry and melt down. I started to talk (in my big mom voice) about his attitude and that I was not to be talked to that way. It only angered him more. Finally, the light went off...I stopped, wrapped the towel around him and gave him a hug. He just needed to be held, and loved, and put to bed. Once he was dried off, I asked him to get dressed, but he still refused to do it himself...here we go again...this time, I told him, "When you are dressed, I will meet you downstairs for stories". He did not like it, but at the end of the day, a mom can only take so much. Instead of staying and getting angry, I just left and waited downstairs. I could hear him murmuring and saying how much he hated me...but I let him get dressed. When he came downstairs, he said he did not like me, so I hugged him again and just started reading. WOW. It is really tough to stay calm, isin't it? It still takes a lot of practice, and thinking before I speak, but somehow I am seeing that my job is to love him, and that he can learn a whole lot more from a calm, patient teacher than an angry power hungry teacher.

Anger Session #3

Went in today with a good attitude. I only blew up once over the last two weeks, and it was just before dinner..I was hungry and tired..the boys were hungry and tired, and I was expecting them to sit still for prayer. I was told not to be so hard on myself, and to look at the positive. After I blew up (that means one loud shout..the kind you think about later and wonder what your neighbours think of you, because they obviously heard you), slammed my hands on the table, and chased Tyler around the table to get him to go upstairs for a time out, I was able to regain control after a moment of peace in my bedroom. I said a quick prayer that I could remain calm, so that I could deal with the boys with love. I talked to both boys, apologized for my behavior and asked them to come to the table for dinner. It was much better after I had time to cool down. I could see how I over-reacted, and was able to patch things up quickly.

Today we talked a lot on discipline techniques, and ways to teach the boys without all the nagging.
If the nagging is a minimum, and I am not talking all the time, things go more smoothly.

Here are a few bits that we talked about...

"I see that you are _______. What might we do about this now? "
"My way is not working. Can you think of a better way to do this?"
"What is going to happen if you continue to ____?"

Make sure to have them release energy each day...punching bag, parks, Wii Sports
Have them participate in chores, and make it fun.

Robert Kiwaski: Rich Dad, Poor Dad has a book for kids. There is a Cash Flow game for kids as well that shows chores, and money. Jane Seymour has a book on better living. Check it out.

Peg System...for chores (without asking). If they can go for the whole week, double allowance.

Do not remove the plate, if they forget to clear it from the table...just leave it there for next time they sit down.

Cook dinner with them. Have fun with them. Learn to relax and let go of the unimportant things.

Finish the book, and keep the ideas written where I can see them and use them. Especially for sibling rivalry.

Another good session, and I have so much to still learn and work on. This is not easy to change, but I will keep trying. I can see my improvement, and the way I handle the kids better during the tough times. I am able to walk in, take a look at the situation and in a responsible, calm voice speak to them. It feels so much better to know that they boys will see how to act appropriately when they deal with tough times too!

Anger Session #2

In preparation for this session, I started reading Barbara Coloroso's book, KIDS ARE WORTH IT. I was also able to find out a lot more about my childhood during our family reunion. I found out that there was anger in my family. My grandfather had a quick temper, my father did, and my mother said she raised her voice to get us to listen. I suppose being in a family with 8 children there was anger in how we dealt with each other, but I sure don't remember. My mother wondered how I grew up to be so independant, strong and confident...it must be because of my lack of memory.
I will shared these things with Sarah (my counsellor), and got her feeback. It was nice to pinpoint where my anger comes from and be able to discuss what I could do to change it.
Also, my husband had a few things to add...like the fact that I want instant obedience, and often that will lead to my anger outburst...like when I ask my kids to do something, and they don't, a signal goes off, and I blow up...or one of them gets a time out, but refuses to go up the stairs to his room..watch out!
The most wonderful thing is that now I am aware that my actions are inappropriate, and I will do all I can to change them. The last time I sent someone for a time out, I was about to grab him and take him to his room, but I stopped. I did not have to grab him, or raise my voice to have him obey. I was not sure what else to do..since I have not finished reading the book yet...but I knew I could not keep doing the same bad things to get control.
Sarah explained that there is a space of time between stimulus and response. My response time is very short. Once there is a stimulus, there is an immediate response..not time in between for thought of what to do or not to do. This is most likely why I suffer from Foot in the Mouth disease, and too often say things or do things that I regret.
Also, like a farmer ploughing the fields...my brain has been trained to keep ploughing the same line over and over again....anger has been my response when I cannot get control every time, so the new technique I am going to try is: Thought Stop. When there is a situation that makes me angry, I stop the thought and allow some time before my response...hopefully so that I can regain control of myself and respond in a more positive way.

Her advice is very helpful, and it feels good to talk to someone about the person I am..and the person I want to be. She is not trying to fix my problem, but allowing me to find my own solution..one that will work for me for the rest of my life.
I am also going to do some research through the scriptures on anger, and pray that it will help me change. I know that God wants me to be a better person, and he is right beside me, I just have to stop and ask for help when I need it most.
I am very glad for a supportive, patient, husband who loves me. It is much easier to change when I have him to help me figure things out.

Anger Session #1

I promised that I would write about my experience dealing with one of my personal weaknesses...so here goes.  I am calling this an Anger Session, but it is really a counselling session. These sessions were done in the summer of 2012.
Before I began, I called the office and asked if I would be wasting the time of the counsellor, since I was just a regular housewife who had angry outbursts once in a while. (I always thought counselling was for people who had bigger problems to deal with).
She answered that most of the individuals they see are just like me, and I would be welcome to come for as little or as long as I felt I needed. I liked that, since there was no set amount of sessions, or no commitment to continue for continuous weeks. I made the first appointment and have been so happy that I had the courage to do so.

I wrote each one like a journal entry.

Anger Session #1

Arriving early, I got to spend a few minutes in the van to gather my thoughts and calmly walk through the door. I was met by the secretary who asked me to fill out some information forms and a self evaluation. I was totally honest in my answers...because I do get irritated, I do argue and I do generally have a very happy life.
The last one was a fill in the blank, basically saying...what would you like to get out of counselling?
I stated: I no longer want to react with anger towards my family.
So, the counsellor greeted me and I followed her a big room. It was much bigger than I thought it would be, but I guess is she counsels families, they all need a comfortable place to sit.
She looked at my scores, and smiled. She was happy that the scores were so low. And she celebrated this with me. Life is good most of the time.
We talked about my past, and she tried to root out any causes...family history, what my parents were like (I wish I could have told her more..but my memory is terrible and I hardly remember what I ate today, let alone my childhood), any traumatic events I had (only one that I could report...getting hit by a semitruck)..and then when I most often get angry, at who, and what am I like.
It was a very natural conversation. Like I would chat with a really good friend that I trust would not to talk to anyone else afterwards. Then she would give suggestions of things I could try, books I could read, and generally gave examples of others, and techniques they used that worked.
An hour passed quickly, and I feel good with the power that was given to me. I am in control. This is something I can handle, and I don't need to be angry when my kid won't listen.
I think I missed a crucial part, and should have asked Scott to add his two cents, because his memory is far superior to mine, and he is the one who can see as an outsider what I can really be like. He hit it right on the head when he said, "You expect everyone to do what you say immediately, and if they don't, you get angry."
If I ask Scott for a favor (especially if I am in a bad mood already), I want it done now!
If I ask one of the boys to help, or put on shoes, or put something away, I want it done now!
It is terrible to realize how controlling and awful you can be to others...but the most wonderful thing is I have taken the step to admit I am wrong, and now am working on the solution.
Knowing Christ through this helps tremendously. I understand His atonement a little more now, and feel that working on being a better person helps me to stay closer to Him.

CALM

During the summer, I recognized that I am more of an angry mother than I want to be.

I tried different things to help me and I will blog them in the next few weeks. I have been waiting, because I was not sure if I wanted to write it down so that all the world can see. Then, I realized if I can't talk about it, and share how I have changed, and what has made my life happier, how can I help others? Is that not the purpose of this blog anyway? Yes. So before this year is over, I will blog my experiences.

As I deal with my outbursts, and try to keep my anger under control, there have been many words of good advice from friends and family. It is so wonderful to know that when I share with people my weakness, no one has made fun of me, and better yet, no one has judged me. We all have weaknesses, but a large part in changing them to a strength is admitting that you are weak.
One of the tips from a good friend was to start drinking Peter Gillham's Natural CALM, which is a magnesium Citrate Powder. She used it for her son who was dealing with anxiety. I put 1 tsp. in a cup of hot water until it dissolves, then drink it (or put it in a shake, or add my favorite juice). I began using it on Monday, Sept 24th and just like to drink it warm by itself. It has a raspberry lemon flavour. I think it is good for my overall health, and if it can help me remain CALM, even better!
This is not an advertisement. It is simply something I have tried that helps me.
Altogether, I find when I am well rested, have eaten well, and drink enough water, I feel better, I get irritated less often and I can deal with the challenges of raising kids in a calm and patient manner.