Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Anger...the prequel..the first journal entry

I admit that I am a much more angry person than I want to be. Mostly, with my husband and kids, when I am stressed out, hungry, tired, or just plain moody. I was not raised in an angry environment, and see no reason why I should behave this way. It is not fair to the people in my family, who I love more than anyone else. They always get the worst bits of me. For a long time, I chalked it up to all the excuses above, and played the blame game on my family for making me feel angry and mad, and out of control. I have talked to many other moms out there, and always get the same feedback...they are angry too. Most parents have moments where we say things we wish we hadn't, or lost our cool with our kids. When the kids write on the wall, or leave their jacket at school, or forget to put away their shoes, it is easy to respond in anger. Being a parent is a tough job, and even the best of us have our bad days. So, then I thought I must be normal, and we all feel like this as parents from time to time. Do I deserve a break, a girls night out, a free shopping day, a new hair style...or does it run deeper than that? Maybe I need to change. 
Really change. 
Now, don't get me wrong. I have never let my anger take over to the point where I have abused my kids, hurt them, or caused that a social worker should visit my home. I just asked myself, "Why should my family have to live this life with a woman who cannot control her temper...and who says and does things to make others around her miserable, because she feels miserable?"
They don't. 
I am taking a new road today. I am going to make the change. I am going to see a counsellor. Yes, a counsellor...a professional who may be able to help me find the solutions I am looking for. I have no idea what to expect, and I am very nervous, but I have the support of my husband, and I feel that it is the right thing for me to do. I want my family to be happy...all of us...and I know this can bring us more peace through the tough times.
I look ahead to when my three boys are teenagers, and I don't want them to be afraid to tell me about things they have done, or problems they have, because I react in an angry way. I want them to feel safe with me, and to know that I love them no matter what.

Let me be very clear that this is not a new problem. It is something that Scott and I have talked about often during the years of raising our kids. I feel that I have tried everything: calming down, giving myself a time out, singing a song, saying a prayer, going to a Mom's group, talking with a friend, and getting exercise. Those things all work for the short term, and the anger disappears, but it comes back. That is the problem I want to solve. I don't want to react with anger at all.

I want to become, like is says in the scriptures...

Proverbs 16:32 - He that is slow to anger is better than the  mighty, and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city.
Moroni 7:45 - And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth...

If I can learn to be not easily provoked, and slow to anger, I feel that our home could be a much happier place all the time. Let's see if counselling can help!

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